Sunday, December 30, 2012


I was going to write about something else today, but it has really hit me hard over this break about how much I want to be present in my present.  I know that sounds funny. But this has always been a failing of mine. Being present, enjoying what I have when I have it, being fully there for the people around me or even just for myself if I'm alone-it's always been a struggle.

My tendency is to look back, to think about what I used to have or who I used to be. I think about all of the mistakes I made, how I could have done things differently. Would I have done things differently? It's not so much that I want to live what I did over. I usually just wish I could have done things better, made better choices, perhaps so my present would be different.

My other tendency is to look to the future. What is waiting for me just around the bend? Will I be able to change my circumstances? If so, how. I'm already making plans for a year from now, five years from now, even ten years from now. It's got to be better, the grass has to be greener.

Tonight, as I sent my kids out the door to spend the remainder of the holiday with their dad, my daughter clung to me, telling me how much she would miss me. And I thought, did I fully engage with them? Was I present during this time? Was I fully here? I think I was. We spend a lot of time with relatives, so it wasn't just me and the kids. But when I was with them, I think I was fully engaged. However, I have to admit there have been times that I haven't been (see I'm doing it again-thinking how I could have changed my past).

And I have to say the last couple of days spent with relatives I spent quite a bit of time counting down some minutes so I could get back to my normal routine. I know that's a normal holiday time response. But this is just a failing of mine. I said in an earlier post that I was going to try to post thankful posts everyday. So far, so good. I've been putting them on facebook. Sometimes I've said what I'm thankful for. Sometimes I've put quotes (which has sparked some interesting conversations). But I think thinking about what I'm thankful for has sparked this thought in my head. One key to being thankful is to live in the present fully.

I think living fully in the present for me is living purposefully, thoughtfully, with an effort. Thank God for God, because I honestly don't think I could do it without Him. I know He's molding me into who He wants me to be, and this is part of it. But it is hard. I may have to come back to this post throughout this year. Yeah, I definitely will (see I'm already looking into the future :)  ).

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