Monday, July 29, 2013

Opposite of Fear

This has been a summer of overcoming fear and trusting God. This has not been the summer I thought it would be. I planned to be much more industrious, but there were other plans for me. At the beginning of June I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. On the way back to bed I smacked my head into the door frame. I know it sounds funny, but it really has not been. Even though it didn't feel like it hurt that much I believe I got a concussion. It has taken the rest of the summer to recover. I have felt out of it, pain, and swelling. The doctor checked me out and gave me the okay, but it has taken most of the summer for me to feel like myself. I still feel swelling sometimes.

What I really took away from this was the spiritual lessons I learned. I prayed-a lot. I prayed that God would heal me, that I would not have brain damage, that I would be "myself" again. I had my sister and mom pray as well. I claimed the scripture that says that where two or more are gathered in His name he hears and answers our prayers. Then I just really had to trust and believe that was true, even though I didn't see immediate results and some days felt like I was going backward instead of forward.

I also learned more about fear. Fear is a big part of my nature. I have always been afraid of everything I do. For someone who doesn't deal with fear that might sound funny, but people who deal with fear know exactly what I'm talking about. No matter what you do, you deal with that sinking pit in your stomach. And I know I just have to rely on God and walk through the fear anyway.

So again, I had to rely on God. I had to trust and believe that He would do what He said in His word. It seemed circumstantial to me, but I knew God had been faithful to me before-so faithful even when, or especially when, I was not faithfully to Him. So I chose to take the leap of faith and believe that He would answer the prayers that I knew I , my mom, and my sister were praying.

Sure enough, He has been faithful; and I believe He will continue to heal me until I am completely myself again. I always thought the antithesis of fear was courage. Now I believe, at least spiritually, the opposite of fear is belief and trust. Think of Jesus walking on the water. The opposite of that fear of sinking was the belief that Jesus could hold you up on the water. It wasn't just believing in Him, but believing that He could do something that He said He could do that seemed unrealistic or impossible. He is always is faithful.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

So Glad I'm Older

It's true. I am glad I'm older. I see things so much clearer, less emotionally. Things that used to matter just don't anymore.

My son had to go to the hospital and stay two nights this week because he had an asthma attack. His dad and I didn't even know he had asthma. I just thought he had severe allergies. It was a shock when the doctor said that he should go to the emergency room. I know my jaw dropped and I saw his dad's jaw drop.

It was stressful. Any trip to the er and stay in the hospital is. What I hate most about crises with my kids is the feeling of loneliness. I always feel so alone. It's the worst feeling ever. I know there are people there to comfort me, but I always feel purely isolated and alone. In my head I know I'm not the only one who has gone through a situation, but it feels like it at the time. I felt that aloneness this time, as well; and I shed some tears-more as a stress reliever than anything. But because I'm older now, I didn't feel like my world was crashing down. I didn't feel like I was never going to get out of this situation. I didn't feel like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Another sign that I'm okay with getting older: I'm going to go gray. I know that is what some would consider a mortal sin, especially since I'm only forty-four; but I just can't take it anymore. I've been dying my hair since I was about twenty-eight, and I cannot put up with the mess and time that it takes anymore. Even if I went to a salon (because I have done before), it would take so much time. So this summer before school starts again, I'm letting it go. I'm a little tenuous. How will people receive me? But honestly, I don't care. I actually feel so free. I will be able to feel confident when the wind blows that people will not look askance at me when they see the ring of white around my face. I can emerge from the pool without my silver halo.

The truth is my forties have been amazing, because I feel free to be me. I don't care what most people think of or about me anymore. I see things clearer and can handle situations more decisively and calmly. I am losing my body and some of my looks. Men do not look up when I pass by anymore. But it's great. I would trade youth and beauty any day for this freedom and clarity. I happily embrace getting older!