Saturday, May 11, 2013

So Glad I'm Older

It's true. I am glad I'm older. I see things so much clearer, less emotionally. Things that used to matter just don't anymore.

My son had to go to the hospital and stay two nights this week because he had an asthma attack. His dad and I didn't even know he had asthma. I just thought he had severe allergies. It was a shock when the doctor said that he should go to the emergency room. I know my jaw dropped and I saw his dad's jaw drop.

It was stressful. Any trip to the er and stay in the hospital is. What I hate most about crises with my kids is the feeling of loneliness. I always feel so alone. It's the worst feeling ever. I know there are people there to comfort me, but I always feel purely isolated and alone. In my head I know I'm not the only one who has gone through a situation, but it feels like it at the time. I felt that aloneness this time, as well; and I shed some tears-more as a stress reliever than anything. But because I'm older now, I didn't feel like my world was crashing down. I didn't feel like I was never going to get out of this situation. I didn't feel like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Another sign that I'm okay with getting older: I'm going to go gray. I know that is what some would consider a mortal sin, especially since I'm only forty-four; but I just can't take it anymore. I've been dying my hair since I was about twenty-eight, and I cannot put up with the mess and time that it takes anymore. Even if I went to a salon (because I have done before), it would take so much time. So this summer before school starts again, I'm letting it go. I'm a little tenuous. How will people receive me? But honestly, I don't care. I actually feel so free. I will be able to feel confident when the wind blows that people will not look askance at me when they see the ring of white around my face. I can emerge from the pool without my silver halo.

The truth is my forties have been amazing, because I feel free to be me. I don't care what most people think of or about me anymore. I see things clearer and can handle situations more decisively and calmly. I am losing my body and some of my looks. Men do not look up when I pass by anymore. But it's great. I would trade youth and beauty any day for this freedom and clarity. I happily embrace getting older!