Tuesday, August 2, 2011

I Don't Want This Burden Anymore

Do you ever have an issue or struggle that you just can't get rid of? You pray about it, you wrestle with it, you say "no more," but it's always there in the back of your head, getting its tentacles into your heart. It is like the heaviest backpack that you cannot take off. Why is that? What is it about that particular struggle that makes it nearly impossible to get rid of? Is it denial? Do you think the struggle is going to end up the way you want? Is it because you've gotten used to the feeling of the struggle? Maybe you just have to get so sick of yourself, because you've held on to the struggle so long. I am usually a person who continues inner struggles for a long time. I hate that about myself. It's not something that I admire about myself, but it is something I just unconsciously, habitually do. I think I go through all the stages associated with grief when I go through letting go of a struggle. I go through bargaining, anger, denial, sadness (I think I'm missing a stage.) until I come to acceptance. Then one day I wake up, and I say okay, that's it, I'm done.

I recently earnestly prayed about my struggle, just asking what God wanted. Whatever He wanted, I just needed to know so that I could go forward. God is always good to let me know. Sometimes He lets me know right away, sometimes it's awhile before I get to know. I always love it when it's sudden and dramatic, because then I have absolutely no doubts as to what God wants me to do. But that usually only happens when I'm in dire circumstances that need to be remedied immediately. This time God was pretty quick, but He was gradual. He let me see things through things I read or saw on TV or the movies. He'd show me these things then would say, "Now what do you think? I think you already know and have known for quite awhile." And He's right, I have. So, that's when I start steps. And I put things in order so that I don't look back that way again. And it's okay, I don't feel the need to anymore. I'm just so ready to go forward with a new chapter in my life without that burden on my back.

I love the Foo Fighters' song, "Walk" because it exemplifies this so perfectly: "I'm learning to walk again, I believe I've waited long enough...I'm learning to talk again, Don't you see I've waited long enough..." That's how I feel. I've waited long enough on this struggle, and I'm walking again, walking away from this struggle and not looking back.