Writing

Getting ready to attempt a day of writing. This is what I told myself I'd do this summer, but I am so scared! Can I really do this? Do I really have enough to write about and will it be interesting or creative? Could there be the smallest chance that I could get published? I guess I'll really never know unless I try. And at least if I try and fail I will know I tried. I think I would always think lower of myself if I didn't find out.

This feeling of thinking I will not succeed is very familiar to me. I felt that way about teaching. For the first two years, my stomach was nervous pretty much every day. I so felt that way about being a mom. Those first two years-don't get me started. But I think I do fairly well in those two areas now. It seems like the areas where I thought I'd do great are where I haven't done so well (2 failed marriages!). So, maybe it will be all right. But my teeth are on edge.

Sex Ed Talk

It is spring, and that means that every teacher seems to be required to talk about sex with students. I know the Science teacher across the hall has a unit, and it can be hilarious, what the kids say and ask. Well, I guess the talks start in 4th grade, because my kids got the sex movie this year. My daughter seemed pretty neutral. We've been talking about this stuff for awhile. My son seemed a little disconcerted. We sat down to talk about it, and do you know what he was most concerned about? That he was going to get hair on his feet! Of all the things! I told the Science teacher across the hall and she speculated that he thought he was going to be like the Hobbit. And by gollly, I bet she's right. The kids' dad showed them all of The Lord of the Rings, and it had a profound effect on him, and not really in a good way. I thought he was going to have a heart attack of Gollum. My poor son thinks he's going to turn into the Hobbit!

Another funny sex quip: My son said that a classmate of his told another guy that he like to play with his balls. My son asked me if he was talking about the balls of feet, and how could this happen? I had to explain to him what of course this meant. To see his face go from quizzical to a dawning of realization was priceless. Oh, such innocence!

The End is Near!

No, I am not talking about May 21st, the supposed Apocalypse (I'm sorry but I do have to shake my head at these people. They obviously don't read the Bible, which say that no man knows what day Christ is coming back. He comes like a thief in the night. That means you don't expect him.). I'm talking about the last day of school! Hooray! You know, I really do love teaching, but this year has been a booger. It was not as bad as last year. But I had two of the same group of kids from last year, as 8th graders. I am counting down the days until they walk out of my door and out of my life. They tested every single thing every single day, and I will not shed any tears when they leave. I am supposed to teach 8th grade next year. I have always been a 7th grade teacher in my heart, but I have to say I'm kind of excited. I like the curriculum better, and I'll get to bond with the 8th graders that are now my 7th graders. I think I held off bonding with them because the 8th graders had such an effect on me. That's sad, isn't it? We'll see what next year's like.
Also, I'm wondering if there will be a library job open at my school. I don't know. I'm in a good place, because I feel happy whatever life brings. That's such a good place and unusual place for me to be. I think I'll stay here for awhile.

A Smile

Today I left school with a smile on my face, and this was after having 2 block classes of 8th graders. 8th graders do not bring a smile to my face, particularly this class. Maybe it's because testing is almost over, or that I do not feel the pressure anymore. But I was able to be loose enough to actually meet on the same plain as these 8th graders. We have not been simpatico this year. I have felt like I have just had to be constantly on them from day one. I could not even teach, because they were so out of control, so immature. I think they were still immature today, but for some reason I felt really in control. Their inane behavior did not affect or upset me. In my study hall, the day was ended perfectly when one student was talking about the song Friday by Rebecca Black or Taylor, I can't remember. I said I didn't know who this was. He wanted me to pull it up on Youtube. I did and played it through the projector. And all of the kids started singing and dancing to this song. It was adorable. These are the moments I love. I would like to be the kind of teacher that could always reach this plane of connectedness. It's difficult when you really need them to learn about text structures, but still possible I think. Something to strive for, but for now I'll take the smile on my face. :)

Is This Going to Be My Day?

So, I'm rushing around this morning-signing permission forms, packing lunches, giving hugs and kisses, refereeing between two almost ten-year olds who get some kind of satisfaction from teasing each other, spritzing down my son's hair with water because he's growing it out and in the morning it sticks out in all kinds of directions, hearing my son complain about the spider that is on the ceiling of his bathroom afraid that it's going to drop on him but I'm afraid to go in and kill it so I tell him to go in and tough it out that if the spider hasn't moved yet it's not going to (and it didn't), signing planners, making my own lunch, putting Netflix in the mail (because right now I'm addicted to 7th Heaven and I won't get to watch the next season unless it gets in the mail), getting everybody out the door and into the car. We are almost to the kids' school and I look in my rear view mirror and realize I have not brushed my hair! I announce this to the kids, and they look at me like I'm crazy, and maybe I have actually gone to that place. I'm heading to go teach middle school after dropping them off, so I can't go back. But luckily, ever resourceful, I remember the pink, plastic doll's brush in my glove compartment and save my sanity and dignity (even though my kids are still looking at me like I've just lost my mind. I know better)!

Blah!

I am in a gray mode. Spring is joyous and full of anticipation, but it is also just down and out wearing! It's a stressful time of year. At school, coming back from spring break means coming back to state assessments, feeling like what I do is not good enough. I don't ever receive praise as a teacher, rarely from parents, never from students, and I can't think of a time from my principal. Assessments make me feel like I can see the end of the race, but can never hit the mark. If I did hit the mark last year, this year the mark is higher, and I have different kids. So, it's not as if I can build upon what I did last year. It's pretty demoralizing. Also, the cuts that are going on are disheartening. I do feel like I've missed the cuts. I'll know in April. I've been five years at my school, and I think I just missed the line where cut offs seem to be happening. But until I know, I swear I have and probably will continue to have nightmares. The last drainer is 8th graders. Disrespect. I don't think I need to say more.

This is also an expensive time of the year. My twins were born in April. They will be ten this year. That means two birthday parties. It's not cheap. Thank goodness for income tax refunds!

And the Kansas weather! It is gray! And it is spitting snow! Come on, get with the program!

Thoughts of Summer

This is the time of year when I start to yearn for summer! This is when I start to feel the pressure of assessments coming up, when I start to wonder if I'm a good teacher. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin and run my fingers down my whiteboard in my classroom (it doesn't quite have the same effect as a chalk board, though). The students ask the same questions over and over. I tell them to do tasks, and they still do not put their names on their papers, they still ask me to explain something right after I've explained it. Insolence starts to abound. I've seen one too many teenager's sullen eyes looking back at me. I've heard one too many whiney voice ask me why they have to complete the assignment. I've been to one too many meetings, wondering why I'm there, wishing I could be in my classroom, grading the mounds of work that I have to do. There are so many aspects of teaching that have nothing to do with teaching. This year I've just felt all I have taught is assessments. And I'm not sure the students have gotten it as well as I would like them to have.

I'm thoroughly convinced that this is why summer was invented, for teachers. I can hear all of the rantings and ravings from the public now, criticism of what cushy jobs teachers have. But summer is what lets a teacher come back to teaching. A teacher needs those two and half months to forget. It's like childbirth. A mother forgets about what it was like, and she has another child (so I'm told; I had twins and that was way enough for me. I haven't forgotten.). After summer, I kind of forgot about the pressures and irritations of the year before. I actually get excited and psyched for the upcoming year. I actually start to miss it.

So, I'm starting the countdown. I've got three months. I think I'm going to make it.